Maternal ambivalence. Defined as feeling complex, often contradictory emotions around motherhood, ambivalence doesn't stem from a lack of love for a child.

Edited by| Christian Megan

Culture section -  CJ journalist

World – April,9,2023

    Indeed, mothers who identify as ambivalent tend to be clear they would do anything for their kids – so much so that, for many, the worry, stress, and fear they feel for their children is part of why they find being a mother so challenging. But they might also feel anger, resentment, apathy, boredom, anxiety, guilt, grief, or even hate – emotions most people are not brought up to associate with motherhood, never mind with being a 'good' mother.

The mix of emotions isn't surprising. Mothering is, after all, a time-consuming, labor-intensive, emotional task – one that means a fundamental shift in one's identity as well as often-difficult physiological changes. Mothers have likely had conflicting feelings about it as long as mothers have existed.

Still, a few things make maternal ambivalence today a little different and, most likely, more difficult to navigate. First are the often-unrealistic standards around what it means to be a 'good' mother – heightened further by the information overload and comparison offered up by the parenting-advice industry, the internet, and social media. And second is the shame and stigma many mothers feel, in a culture that prizes adages like 'Treasure every moment!', for even broaching the subject.

Mothers might be allowed to say that parenting is hard, but it's far more taboo to say that they don't necessarily enjoy the role.

"Maternal ambivalence is about embracing the 'and'," says Sophie Brock, a motherhood-studies sociologist in Sydney, Australia, and host of the podcast The Good Enough Mother. "We're in so many paradoxes as mothers, and ambivalence is saying, 'I actually feel both'."

Think 'I want to spend every minute with my child, and I cannot spend another minute with her'. 'I am so grateful my child exists, and I can't stand what my life has become.' 'I want to be the best mother possible, and I'm so angry about how much my identity has changed.' Or even 'I love my child intensely and, in this moment, I also hate him'.

Ambivalence can be confused with, or exist alongside, a condition like postpartum depression or anxiety. And if it goes unexpressed, ambivalence can raise the risk of poorer mental health, so it's always important to seek professional help if in doubt.

But for the most part, maternal ambivalence is normal and healthy, say researchers and psychologists.

"Almost every mother I speak to who is feeling safe enough to share their true experience has mixed feelings about their role," says Kate Borsato, a therapist in British Columbia, Canada, who focuses on maternal mental health. "And this makes sense to me. Their life has changed so much. Their sense of self-confidence, the way they spend their time, what they think about – every single thing is different."